Change is as easy or difficult as you want it to be. This morning’s epiphany? My life is changing all the time. Daily. Hourly. Minute by minute, at times. It always has and seems like it won’t ever relent. Makes me think that change itself is never really about things in your world evolving or augmenting because they always are. Whether I like it or not, however similar one day might feel to the next, it will always be different somehow.

So, strangely, change is the constant in most of our equations. Therefore, at least for me, the variable is acceptance.

I’m starting to realize regret isn’t the horrible monster I once believed it to be. More and more, I’m starting to see regret as a natural and potentially useful byproduct of introspection. I think most of us choose to see it negatively because we typically attach a value judgement to it and, therefore, see ourselves as lesser for having it.

Of late, I’m choosing to regret objectively, to see the things I could have done or could have been without harshly judging myself for not having chosen differently. The toughest part is to be kind to yourself without letting yourself off the hook for not having been better. I’m sure I’ll refine it as time goes on but for now, I’m happy with the choice.

Current conclusions:

- I’m not as brave as I think I am

- I’m too accommodating to those I really care about

- I’m not honest with myself about what I really want

- I don’t give myself enough time and room to build a support structure

- I’m terrible at asking for help

And now, I can find a path beyond these things. The price I payed for not realizing them sooner is not a price I want to pay ever again.

AM

I still sleep with the light on

Down low and dim

The way you liked it

Hoping it might guide you home

If you happen to look back this way


I make the bed

As if it matters

Like it will somehow bring you joy

To know that I’ve saved your place

Right here beside me


And my morning starts in silence

That deafens and disorients

I whisper to no one and nothing

To assure myself

That we’ve done what we’ve done